My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
