she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Enjoy the penises
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
