haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
