i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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