he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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