I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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