forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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