You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize