I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
