i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
