hotel room ftw
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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