yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize