I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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