so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
