Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize