These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
