someone get that fucking seahorse.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
