dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
