her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
