Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
