Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I puked a lego.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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