That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
