Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
