guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
