i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize