I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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