Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
