Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
