he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
