Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize