Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
