you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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