I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
