ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
