he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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