Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
