I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
