The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We have started to decorate penises.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
