I think I died a long time ago.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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