One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
