i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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