im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize