I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
