When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
