Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
