She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
