I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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