I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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