i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize