Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Randomize
