Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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