I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
