Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
