i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
