Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I am available for nakedness
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
