I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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