I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
