i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize