My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
