bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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