Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
